Hey!
thots about this whole hoo ha:
When I first starting to write on a daily basis it was a form of therapy for me. This blog was my digital therapist. A place I could just go and talk about what is on my mind about anything and not feel scared or judged about future repercussions about how I portray myself. No one was reading it and I felt like my thoughts mattered! A personal offline, or physical diary/journal never really worked for me because there is no way anyone could get any of the ideas I was thinking. Now here I have a blog and I am able to express all I want with no fear of judgement! (Even though random people can still read and judge but who cares about them right?) And now here I am with a dilemma! People want to know what I think! People really like the idea of my blog and me writing! (also side note this applies to YouTube videos as well) So here comes this therapeutic thing for me now becoming an entertainment platform for people I know in real life that I could easily see tomorrow! I know who could be potentially reading and I'm scared of that. I just wanted to have fun and try to EXPRESS MY CREATIVITY and THOTS without having to worry about offending someone or coming off as dumb. I know not all these posts are perfect or everything I do is good but the last thing I ever want is for these ideas to be taken the wrong way and for someone to misunderstand who I am as a person. Or even feel offended that I am talking about this on a 'blug' rather than with them because they are my friend.
So here I am with this fear of what do I do!! Do I FEED into an audience or do I continue doing my own thing with this fear of social judgement and constriction. I don't know. I just want to be happy and find a place where I can breathe and just be. (mfw this will be first post I share on twitter)
thots about myself and this past week:
For the past week I've been feeling MOODY and EDGY and it is difficult for me to explain why. Everything felt empty, as if everything lost its value. What a dark thought right? I know! This is why I don't like sharing it. Being depressed or sad around others is not the best thing to do. But hey I saw Inside Out and the one thing that movie really clicked with me was this idea that it is ok being sad. BALANCE IS EVERYTHING. and trying to balance your emotions can be very difficult especially in what may seem personal hard times in your life. Whether it may be something that everyone thinks is very hard like the passing of a loved one or something simple as a change of location. So this is me trying to catch my emotions in check. I'm disgusted that I don't value my relationships with people as much as they do with me. I'm sad that I able to convince myself that these relationships may not be as valuable as I think they are. And I'm angry at myself for trying to fake a happy attitude the whole time because I'm so scared of being sad.
thots about today:
Hey so today was a very important Islamic holiday known as Eid Al-Fitr and boy oh boy is there a lot to say! First off fuck moon sightings. We know if we are going to see the Moon, we don't have to wait till 10:30 PM to say it's one day just to call back everyone at 12 AM saying it's actually another. It's a ridiculous system and especially shouldn't be prevalent in 2015. I was really excited for Eid this year for the new prospects. This is my first Eid as a GROWN UP CAWLEDGE BOI, I have a car and the whole CLIQUE grew extremely large since last year! Eid is a Muslim's kid Christmas so holy shit let's turn up beetches. But I feel like at this point every Eid essentially feels the same. Everything gets really exciting at prayer where everyone is able to see everyone and then everyone just disperses. It's part of the appeal of the whole day don't get me wrong, this idea of chaos and being flustered to go to everyone's house, to try everyone's food and to try to get money from all the auntie$ and uncle$ yet there is still this weird empty feeling of I wish literally everyone can go from house to house even if they were not friends originally but making new friends! That was the light at the end of the tunnel for me today, being able to connect with new people I've never talked to and become friends. (s'cute)
It doesn't stop there though, I had this GENIUS idea for a video. Basically the theme of the video would be a day in the life of Eid Al-Fitr with a bunch of clips throughout the day and a dank voice over where I explain especially in light of recent events I'm tired of Islam being on the defense but I rather show the prosperity the religion brings in the sense of community, friends, and family. This was one of those idea that so good in my head I had a script and everything! (And I never plan I just ramble and talk about everything look at this giant a$$ post!) But then I missed key important parts I wanted for the video, more clips of food, everyone praying at the Mosque and other random things. But one more thing also happened today...
thots about muh first CAR CRASH:
Accidents are never a joking matter. It is very hard to tell someone "I just had an accident" without their face lit up in fear. I'm turning right and some dude rear ends my new car (2015 Honda Civic, if anyone cares I think?) with my mom and sister both in my car, wearing our nice Eid clothes just in hopes of going to another person's house to have a good time. Thankfully after the bump everyone was ok, besides the expected spooked feeling of being hit by a giant white Ford Van and my mom and sister being frantic and terrified of what to do. I did nothing wrong, even the other guy knew it, it was his fault and was very nice about the whole situation. He just cared if we were ok and wanted to make sure everything was good. After waiting for a while for the Police to come we check both cars and it seems as if nothing happened! What a lucky break right? While I was waiting for the Police to come it would be a lie to say I didn't feel down. I was happy that we were all safe, and I understood that even if something happened to the car it would get fixed it's fine, I wasn't even upset of any gossip that might come out of the idea of me getting in a car crash! No, the thing that really affected me was this idea of randomness. Everyone always says "life is unfair" and that "these things happen but hey..." and I guess it never really clicked with me until now. Here I am doing everything right but just through human error and 'bad luck' I get rear ended.
I would like to think that even through life's darkest moments the light at the end of the tunnel outshines all. Cheesy, cliche, and said to death I know but it's this idea that I sorta need to keep a calm head. EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END, IF IT'S NOT WORKING OUT IT'S NOT THE END. But here I am now having to go through the whole ordeal of an accident, insurance will go through the roof, and it all happened on Eid and I feel upset. But Miraj no one got hurt! And I'm grateful for that but the whole situation still happened in the first place! But sometimes while in the moment it is difficult to convince yourself that the light really does outshine everything. Time heals all wounds tho and I think to live in a world where only good things happen all the time is actually more scary than a few bad things happening through random causes here and there. Everyone is safe, the car looks perfectly fine and I still am able to believe that everything works out in the end.
