so is everyone gone yet?

     BEEN A WHILE SINCE A POST AM I RIGHT. Went from posting daily for a while to dead silent for almost a whole month, so what happened and more importantly what brings me back??? Well let's ramble a lot.
 
     This blug essentially died, and here I am back at it at the end of summer with school fast approaching around the corner ready to bring it back to life. So why now? Let's rewind a bunch. I guess the reason why I left, was because I really didn't feel comfortable with this blug anymore, even though in the last post I said I was! haha lol lmao. im a moody lil bitch! Who would have thought? I was so focused on how the blug could not do what I wanted from it anymore I just left it out in the cold thinking I did not need it anymore. I'm okay! Why would I need to write out anything I'm feeling on this public platform when I could just keep it within myself. I do not need to share how I'm feeling with anyone, especially on a public blug.
    I guess this is where it leads me to answer the big question then, "what brought me back???" Well a few things just happening all at once I guess. I finally decided to make an Eid al-Fitr video even though its different than what I originally thought it was going to be! (missing out on the voice over, no prayer scene, and it essentially just being a really really really cute music video on how great the holiday is and how "normal" Muslims are in my own small community.) It was super well received! Everyone really enjoyed it and it's almost at 400 views on Facebook! (with a mere 26 on YouTube but who's counting really.) I guess I just needed a little juice of creative flow back in me to want to write again. I know my writing is casual but that is because if I lost that casual feeling all these posts would not really have the voice I wanted behind them. And after nearly a month of not posting at all I realized I do want to express how I'm feeling, I just don't feel comfortable doing it with another person and I guess that's one of my faults. No matter who I share with it never feels substantial. But writing out these posts no matter how chaotic it is, it feels therapeutic. This blug is my pillow to yell in.

      Let's talk about something a little dark for a second, stay with me. Today marks one year since Robin Williams passed away and it doesn't feel nearly as long. I can remember exactly where I was when I read the news. I was in my local Wal-Mart last minute shopping for my dorm where I would be moving in on the 15th terrified of my upcoming first year of college. Usually celebrity deaths don't get to me unless they really do represent something I believe in and I didn't realize Robin Williams fit that until he passed away. When Williams passed away there was nothing but love around him, especially since the way he died. It wasn't a natural cause, it was out of nowhere! Robin Williams was a gamer who named his daughter Zelda after the famous video game franchise, played classic characters meant to be remembered forever and he was able to make anyone laugh and smile. I am jealous of him, of that skill, of who he is and it hurts to learn that he didn't feel good so he decided to take his life away. Suicide is always a rough topic to talk about, people will quickly exclaim "I don't understand why people would do it! It's such a selfish act from such a weak person!" I think that's a hard practical look on the act without considering that the person is a human being. There's a reason why this person is feeling that way and it's important that a conversation is held to help that person! Not to diminish or be completely confused by it, but understanding and willing to help.
    A few days ago it was getting really late, I'm laying in bed and I can't seem to sleep so I'm just drifting off in thoughts and I came to the idea of suicide. It's a very dark place to think in and can be very scary! Don't get me wrong 99% of the time I love living, I love the people around me and I generally enjoy life but for this small moment I had actually convinced myself that hey maybe if I did die right now it wouldn't really matter. How would I do it, how quick could it be done, and does it really matter? For the longest time I'd argue against the whole idea because I live life with the philosophy of making others happy but I had somehow convinced myself at this point that if I did pass away it wouldn't really matter. THAT IS AN AWFUL, TERRIFYING, AND DEPRESSING THOUGHT. Especially since most suicides are often impulsive without any major planning and happen out of nowhere. (10 things I wish people understood about suicide, VOX) It happens to a lot of people! It's not something that just goes away but you learn from and try to live a better life with it. So I tried thinking it out some more and thought if I did it, what's the ripple effect of affecting people closest to me to the farthest, I worked with closest first and thought of my parents. And then swish any idea of suicide just disappeared if something awful like that were to happen their worlds, their hard work, everything they've really work towards in life would be gone, and I'd be the asshole taking it away. I can't be that asshole. I refuse to be. I guess that's why Robin William's death clicked with me so much, here's a guy that seemed to be my end goal, someone beloved by everyone, able to make anyone laugh, a real life cartoon character with his own flaws, and mental problems. So to see him pass away the way he did hurts me a lot. It's arrogant to say it but I see so much of me in him that I feel dead when I remember he's gone.


     And I think that's why I came back here to this silly blog I can't even remember the name of right now. Because this is my own personal place to express what I want. I don't like talking about how I feel with people one on one for some reason and I really don't like when a group of people know about a public platform where I am sharing what I'm thinking but I think the latter is the best choice. I enjoy writing these thoughts even though it may be awfully written. It lets me share the dumb moments of my life like where my tweet got featured on a Buzzfeed article, and the sad where I'm feeling down and I want to share it in hopes of trying to come in balance with all my emotions. Yes I'm loud and always happy in public places because I want to share that feeling with everyone. I'M DA GREATEST HYPE MAN YOU'LL EVER MEET AND DON'T 4GET IT YA FUQ. And yes I can be sad, but I'm OKAY I just want to share it sometimes and get it off my chest. Don't feel offended you're not a special person to me where I can't tell you it one on one, no one is and that's just on me I enjoy writing here regardless of what the topic may be. I love you don't forget that.


**IMPORTANT POST END LINK HEY IF YOU'RE FEELING SAD, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS TALK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE SERIOUSLY IT'S NOT BAD THAT YOU'RE FEELING LIKE THIS AND YOU CAN GET HELP**

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ IS A GREAT WEBSITE FOR Y'ALL IN THE STATES AND IS OPEN 24/7 REMEMBER I LOVE YOU AND YOU MATTER