yo you know what's fun

pizza, pizza is pretty fun

RELATIONSHIPS

    A lot of life can be defined through relationships. Through these relationships it helps define you as a person. What you like, dislike, your personality, and how you generally live life. Life is filled with experiences you share with other people, experiences you choose to have by yourself without others. Not all relationships are equal either of course. Some a lot more important than others and some completely forgettable. But when really thinking about a relationship with another person regardless of the intensity the whole idea becomes somewhat intimidating. You are a complex person, with a whole backlog of experiences and moments that could probably make at least 10 seasons of a TV show on Netflix, and here you are trying to make a relationship with another person just as complex!

    Without going into too many details, a friend of mine from school just recently got engaged! (Congratulations!!!!) This is a big shock to me mostly because he's my age, and only been with his girlfriend for what seems like a relatively short time to me. With this news I mostly reflected on how I defined my relationships with not just girls but friends in general.

    The main fear I have from any type of a relationship with a person is that I'm not satisfied with myself. How do I become close with this person if I don't know who I am yet. What a dumb young college boi attitude amiright? But the idea that I'm satisfied with who I am as a person, what I know, how I act seems so far away. I'm only 19! What the fuck do I know?? So how do I portray the little I do know right now with another person and be satisfied with that? "Hi my name is Miraj, I like XYZ and I want to share experiences with you, do you want to be friends????" Fill in XYZ with anything! Today it could be vegetables, but tomorrow I could hate vegetables. I'm a young dummy who doesn't know how to balance the constant change in life and sharing it with others on a close personal level, leading me to be afraid to even take risks with sharing how I feel about things now with other people.

    I'm afraid of opening up and I don't know why. I'm afraid of making personal relationships with people because if I can't even understand why I don't like opening up to myself, how do I open up to another stranger! I'm afraid of not being able to tell when I've gotten close enough with another person that they understand where I'm coming from and can help me become a better person. And I'm extremely afraid that the other person won't value me as much as I do them. A LOT OF FEARS AND A WHOLE LOTTA CONFUSION. THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF BEST FRIENDS OR A GIRLFRIEND. GUESS THE SOLUTIONS TO THESE FEARS WILL COME THROUGH TIME. TILL THEN TUNE IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF DBZ WHERE I PERFORM A SPIRIT BOMB INTO UR HEARTS goodnite.

take action

take action in this lost world my friends

Learning

     I enjoy watching, and even listening to various forms of medium but I think I am really starting to enjoy reading. For the longest time I consumed 80% of the things I learned through videos. YouTube was my main source for everything but as time went on the allure of a YouTube personality faded and I rarely watch a YouTube video unless it has a unique topic or video featuring a personality I still enjoy. There is something simple to reading that allows for so much more compared to a podcast or a YouTube video that I didn't realize before because of my own laziness. Now don't get me wrong I read some of the books required in school, and everyone essentially reads all day now. Texting, social media feeds, news headlines popping up throughout them it's hard not to read something throughout the day! But what I mean when I say I'm starting to really enjoy reading are the long form articles on topics. I'm no longer just skimming through headlines and scrolling through my Twitter feed but I'm actually sitting down and reading the news. Whether it has to do politics, entertainment, or even a personal narrative of a story that has a on going life theme I'm starting to actually enjoy reading it. Now let's not think I'm a fucking genius over here I'm still too lazy to crack open a book and read that but I think I'm taking baby steps towards it.

      I like to live by the life philosophy of always learning, I know absolutely nothing and it's worth a shot letting the other person share because there's always a possibility I might take away something from them that I couldn't get anywhere else. And I'd be lying if I didn't feel giddy when I finish reading something because I feel like I just learned something new and cool. Will it help in a long term practical lifestyle? Probably not. But it makes me happy and I enjoy it.

     I guess the take away from today is there's a lot of fucking shit in the world and regardless of how it's learned, I'm still learning! Throughout this dumb journey of a blug a small metaphor for going on through my daily life the question of what makes me happy is always a difficult one. But hey! I think I found a small simple answer, I like to learn a lot about everything. JACK OF ALL TRADES MASTER OF NONE. HELLO. Tonight I learned on why Fantastic Four was an awful movie, why No Child Left Behind failed really badly, and how a lot of people are so afraid of dying they spend their ending years "alive" prevents them from having a peaceful death. Now isn't that fucking awesome?

so is everyone gone yet?

     BEEN A WHILE SINCE A POST AM I RIGHT. Went from posting daily for a while to dead silent for almost a whole month, so what happened and more importantly what brings me back??? Well let's ramble a lot.
 
     This blug essentially died, and here I am back at it at the end of summer with school fast approaching around the corner ready to bring it back to life. So why now? Let's rewind a bunch. I guess the reason why I left, was because I really didn't feel comfortable with this blug anymore, even though in the last post I said I was! haha lol lmao. im a moody lil bitch! Who would have thought? I was so focused on how the blug could not do what I wanted from it anymore I just left it out in the cold thinking I did not need it anymore. I'm okay! Why would I need to write out anything I'm feeling on this public platform when I could just keep it within myself. I do not need to share how I'm feeling with anyone, especially on a public blug.
    I guess this is where it leads me to answer the big question then, "what brought me back???" Well a few things just happening all at once I guess. I finally decided to make an Eid al-Fitr video even though its different than what I originally thought it was going to be! (missing out on the voice over, no prayer scene, and it essentially just being a really really really cute music video on how great the holiday is and how "normal" Muslims are in my own small community.) It was super well received! Everyone really enjoyed it and it's almost at 400 views on Facebook! (with a mere 26 on YouTube but who's counting really.) I guess I just needed a little juice of creative flow back in me to want to write again. I know my writing is casual but that is because if I lost that casual feeling all these posts would not really have the voice I wanted behind them. And after nearly a month of not posting at all I realized I do want to express how I'm feeling, I just don't feel comfortable doing it with another person and I guess that's one of my faults. No matter who I share with it never feels substantial. But writing out these posts no matter how chaotic it is, it feels therapeutic. This blug is my pillow to yell in.

      Let's talk about something a little dark for a second, stay with me. Today marks one year since Robin Williams passed away and it doesn't feel nearly as long. I can remember exactly where I was when I read the news. I was in my local Wal-Mart last minute shopping for my dorm where I would be moving in on the 15th terrified of my upcoming first year of college. Usually celebrity deaths don't get to me unless they really do represent something I believe in and I didn't realize Robin Williams fit that until he passed away. When Williams passed away there was nothing but love around him, especially since the way he died. It wasn't a natural cause, it was out of nowhere! Robin Williams was a gamer who named his daughter Zelda after the famous video game franchise, played classic characters meant to be remembered forever and he was able to make anyone laugh and smile. I am jealous of him, of that skill, of who he is and it hurts to learn that he didn't feel good so he decided to take his life away. Suicide is always a rough topic to talk about, people will quickly exclaim "I don't understand why people would do it! It's such a selfish act from such a weak person!" I think that's a hard practical look on the act without considering that the person is a human being. There's a reason why this person is feeling that way and it's important that a conversation is held to help that person! Not to diminish or be completely confused by it, but understanding and willing to help.
    A few days ago it was getting really late, I'm laying in bed and I can't seem to sleep so I'm just drifting off in thoughts and I came to the idea of suicide. It's a very dark place to think in and can be very scary! Don't get me wrong 99% of the time I love living, I love the people around me and I generally enjoy life but for this small moment I had actually convinced myself that hey maybe if I did die right now it wouldn't really matter. How would I do it, how quick could it be done, and does it really matter? For the longest time I'd argue against the whole idea because I live life with the philosophy of making others happy but I had somehow convinced myself at this point that if I did pass away it wouldn't really matter. THAT IS AN AWFUL, TERRIFYING, AND DEPRESSING THOUGHT. Especially since most suicides are often impulsive without any major planning and happen out of nowhere. (10 things I wish people understood about suicide, VOX) It happens to a lot of people! It's not something that just goes away but you learn from and try to live a better life with it. So I tried thinking it out some more and thought if I did it, what's the ripple effect of affecting people closest to me to the farthest, I worked with closest first and thought of my parents. And then swish any idea of suicide just disappeared if something awful like that were to happen their worlds, their hard work, everything they've really work towards in life would be gone, and I'd be the asshole taking it away. I can't be that asshole. I refuse to be. I guess that's why Robin William's death clicked with me so much, here's a guy that seemed to be my end goal, someone beloved by everyone, able to make anyone laugh, a real life cartoon character with his own flaws, and mental problems. So to see him pass away the way he did hurts me a lot. It's arrogant to say it but I see so much of me in him that I feel dead when I remember he's gone.


     And I think that's why I came back here to this silly blog I can't even remember the name of right now. Because this is my own personal place to express what I want. I don't like talking about how I feel with people one on one for some reason and I really don't like when a group of people know about a public platform where I am sharing what I'm thinking but I think the latter is the best choice. I enjoy writing these thoughts even though it may be awfully written. It lets me share the dumb moments of my life like where my tweet got featured on a Buzzfeed article, and the sad where I'm feeling down and I want to share it in hopes of trying to come in balance with all my emotions. Yes I'm loud and always happy in public places because I want to share that feeling with everyone. I'M DA GREATEST HYPE MAN YOU'LL EVER MEET AND DON'T 4GET IT YA FUQ. And yes I can be sad, but I'm OKAY I just want to share it sometimes and get it off my chest. Don't feel offended you're not a special person to me where I can't tell you it one on one, no one is and that's just on me I enjoy writing here regardless of what the topic may be. I love you don't forget that.


**IMPORTANT POST END LINK HEY IF YOU'RE FEELING SAD, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS TALK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE SERIOUSLY IT'S NOT BAD THAT YOU'RE FEELING LIKE THIS AND YOU CAN GET HELP**

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ IS A GREAT WEBSITE FOR Y'ALL IN THE STATES AND IS OPEN 24/7 REMEMBER I LOVE YOU AND YOU MATTER

hey how are you?

Hey!

     I haven't fully expressed my thoughts in a very long time so I think it's time to do that. There's going to be a lot of rambling, errors, and just a general stream of conscience, conscious? idk which one it is tbh but ya know just join the train ride with me fam I promise we'll go somewhere fun. (also fuck first person, conjunctions, improper spelling, and all rules, today is a personal day and I'm going to enjoy this vacation)

thots about this whole hoo ha:

    When I first starting to write on a daily basis it was a form of therapy for me. This blog was my digital therapist. A place I could just go and talk about what is on my mind about anything and not feel scared or judged about future repercussions about how I portray myself.  No one was reading it and I felt like my thoughts mattered! A personal offline, or physical diary/journal never really worked for me because there is no way anyone could get any of the ideas I was thinking. Now here I have a blog and I am able to express all I want with no fear of judgement! (Even though random people can still read and judge but who cares about them right?) And now here I am with a dilemma! People want to know what I think! People really like the idea of my blog and me writing! (also side note this applies to YouTube videos as well) So here comes this therapeutic thing for me now becoming an entertainment platform for people I know in real life that I could easily see tomorrow! I know who could be potentially reading and I'm scared of that. I just wanted to have fun and try to EXPRESS MY CREATIVITY and THOTS without having to worry about offending someone or coming off as dumb. I know not all these posts are perfect or everything I do is good but the last thing I ever want is for these ideas to be taken the wrong way and for someone to misunderstand who I am as a person. Or even feel offended that I am talking about this on a 'blug' rather than with them because they are my friend.

    So here I am with this fear of what do I do!! Do I FEED into an audience or do I continue doing my own thing with this fear of social judgement and constriction. I don't know. I just want to be happy and find a place where I can breathe and just be. (mfw this will be first post I share on twitter)

thots about myself and this past week:

    For the past week I've been feeling MOODY and EDGY and it is difficult for me to explain why. Everything felt empty, as if everything lost its value. What a dark thought right? I know! This is why I don't like sharing it. Being depressed or sad around others is not the best thing to do. But hey I saw Inside Out and the one thing that movie really clicked with me was this idea that it is ok being sad. BALANCE IS EVERYTHING. and trying to balance your emotions can be very difficult especially in what may seem personal hard times in your life. Whether it may be something that everyone thinks is very hard like the passing of a loved one or something simple as a change of location. So this is me trying to catch my emotions in check. I'm disgusted that I don't value my relationships with people as much as they do with me. I'm sad that I able to convince myself that these relationships may not be as valuable as I think they are. And I'm angry at myself for trying to fake a happy attitude the whole time because I'm so scared of being sad.

thots about today:

    Hey so today was a very important Islamic holiday known as Eid Al-Fitr and boy oh boy is there a lot to say! First off fuck moon sightings. We know if we are going to see the Moon, we don't have to wait till 10:30 PM to say it's one day just to call back everyone at 12 AM saying it's actually another. It's a ridiculous system and especially shouldn't be prevalent in 2015. I was really excited for Eid this year for the new prospects. This is my first Eid as a GROWN UP CAWLEDGE BOI, I have a car and the whole CLIQUE grew extremely large since last year! Eid is a Muslim's kid Christmas so holy shit let's turn up beetches. But I feel like at this point every Eid essentially feels the same. Everything gets really exciting at prayer where everyone is able to see everyone and then everyone just disperses. It's part of the appeal of the whole day don't get me wrong, this idea of chaos and being flustered to go to everyone's house, to try everyone's food and to try to get money from all the auntie$ and uncle$ yet there is still this weird empty feeling of I wish literally everyone can go from house to house even if they were not friends originally but making new friends! That was the light at the end of the tunnel for me today, being able to connect with new people I've never talked to and become friends. (s'cute)

    It doesn't stop there though, I had this GENIUS idea for a video. Basically the theme of the video would be a day in the life of Eid Al-Fitr with a bunch of clips throughout the day and a dank voice over where I explain especially in light of recent events I'm tired of Islam being on the defense but I rather show the prosperity the religion brings in the sense of community, friends, and family. This was one of those idea that so good in my head I had a script and everything! (And I never plan I just ramble and talk about everything look at this giant a$$ post!) But then I missed key important parts I wanted for the video, more clips of food, everyone praying at the Mosque and other random things. But one more thing also happened today...

thots about muh first CAR CRASH:

    Accidents are never a joking matter. It is very hard to tell someone "I just had an accident" without their face lit up in fear. I'm turning right and some dude rear ends my new car (2015 Honda Civic, if anyone cares I think?) with my mom and sister both in my car, wearing our nice Eid clothes just in hopes of going to another person's house to have a good time. Thankfully after the bump everyone was ok, besides the expected spooked feeling of being hit by a giant white Ford Van and my mom and sister being frantic and terrified of what to do. I did nothing wrong, even the other guy knew it, it was his fault and was very nice about the whole situation. He just cared if we were ok and wanted to make sure everything was good. After waiting for a while for the Police to come we check both cars and it seems as if nothing happened! What a lucky break right? While I was waiting for the Police to come it would be a lie to say I didn't feel down. I was happy that we were all safe, and I understood that even if something happened to the car it would get fixed it's fine, I wasn't even upset of any gossip that might come out of the idea of me getting in a car crash! No, the thing that really affected me was this idea of randomness. Everyone always says "life is unfair" and that "these things happen but hey..." and I guess it never really clicked with me until now. Here I am doing everything right but just through human error and 'bad luck' I get rear ended.

   I would like to think that even through life's darkest moments the light at the end of the tunnel outshines all. Cheesy, cliche, and said to death I know but it's this idea that I sorta need to keep a calm head. EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END, IF IT'S NOT WORKING OUT IT'S NOT THE END. But here I am now having to go through the whole ordeal of an accident, insurance will go through the roof, and it all happened on Eid and I feel upset. But Miraj no one got hurt! And I'm grateful for that but the whole situation still happened in the first place! But sometimes while in the moment it is difficult to convince yourself that the light really does outshine everything. Time heals all wounds tho and I think to live in a world where only good things happen all the time is actually more scary than a few bad things happening through random causes here and there. Everyone is safe, the car looks perfectly fine and I still am able to believe that everything works out in the end. 

THAT'S ALL FOLKS ENJOY YOUR DAY FUCK THIS WASN'T POSTED ON FRIDAY DAMN IT.

this post is not

feel a lot

think a lot

do a lot

say a lot

write a lot

hate a lot

love a lot

not enough time for a